Organizing the Christmas Party (funny)

A friend sent this to me and I think it's definitely worth sharing. I think we've all gone through something like this at one time or another. Enjoy. :)

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take placeon December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at theGrill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have asmall band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts amongemployees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over$10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. Thisgathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made byour CEO at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty


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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which oftencoincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However,from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."

The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians orthose still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmastree present. No Christmas carols will be sung. We will have othertypes of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty


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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymousrequesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'mhappy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table thatreads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposedto handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since theunion members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe$10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Sincerely
Patty.

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins theMuslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking duringdaylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate howa luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslimemployees' beliefs.

Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the endof the party - or else package everything for you to take it home in alittle foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthestfrom the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest tothe restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians donot have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes,there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressingallowed though. We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot controlthe salt used in the food. We suggest for those people with high bloodpressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert forDiabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty


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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$ing Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The #$%*!%Holiday Party

Vegetarians?!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keepthis party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sitquietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you soquaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, includingorganic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slicethem. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hearme!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recoveryand I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime,management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone theafternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

December 7: A date which will live in infamy

Reprint of FDR's speech is below. We often forget that it wasn't just America who was attacked on that day. We also now know that Japan's intention was to declare war on us before the attack, but things literally got lost in translation and we didn't get the message in time. Granted, I doubt it would have helped us because it was vague. At least the carriers were out at sea.

Yesterday, Dec. 7, 1941 - a date which will live in infamy - the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.
The United States was at peace with that nation and, at the solicitation of Japan, was still in conversation with the government and its emperor looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Pacific.
Indeed, one hour after Japanese air squadrons had commenced bombing in Oahu, the Japanese ambassador to the United States and his colleagues delivered to the Secretary of State a formal reply to a recent American message. While this reply stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, it contained no threat or hint of war or armed attack.
It will be recorded that the distance of Hawaii from Japan makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time, the Japanese government has deliberately sought to deceive the United States by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace.
The attack yesterday on the Hawaiian islands has caused severe damage to American naval and military forces. Very many American lives have been lost. In addition, American ships have been reported torpedoed on the high seas between San Francisco and Honolulu.
Yesterday, the Japanese government also launched an attack against Malaya.
Last night, Japanese forces attacked Hong Kong.Last night, Japanese forces attacked Guam.
Last night, Japanese forces attacked the Philippine Islands.
Last night, the Japanese attacked Wake Island.
This morning, the Japanese attacked Midway Island.
Japan has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Pacific area. The facts of yesterday speak for themselves. The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our nation.
As commander in chief of the Army and Navy, I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense.
Always will we remember the character of the onslaught against us.
No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the American people in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory.
I believe I interpret the will of the Congress and of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost, but will make very certain that this form of treachery shall never endanger us again.
Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that that our people, our territory and our interests are in grave danger.
With confidence in our armed forces - with the unbounding determination of our people - we will gain the inevitable triumph - so help us God.
I ask that the Congress declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by Japan on Sunday, Dec. 7, a state of war has existed between the United States and the Japanese empire.

Great passages from book I'm reading

I'm currently reading The River of Doubt: Theodore Roosevelt's Darkest Journey. I picked it up on a whim -- it was the free book in a Buy 2 Get 1 Free sale at Barnes and Noble. The author is Candice Millard and I'm very glad I have discovered this writer. Her writing is so interesting to read, and the subject matter is very interesting. The topic is Roosevelt's South American journey on a then mostly unknown river. It was after he lost the 1912 election and the way he dealt with losses was to do such things, like when he joined the Rough Riders.

Anyway, I really admire the way she writes about both the expedition and the native people and animals of the area, and some of what she writes is funny and scary at the same time:

"These particular dugouts [boats], moreover, were in questionable condition. In fact, Roosevelt's counting of them sounded ominously like a description of the Seven Dwarfs. "One was small, one was cranky, and two were old, waterloogged, and leaky," he wrote. "The other three were good."

Another passage I noted just is beautifully written. I'm good at writing about facts, but I'm always working on writing more creatively. I just love this:

"As the ex-president stood at the river's edge, surveying the jungle he hoped to master and explore, the forest surrounding him met the dawn by exhaling thin white clouds of condensing moisture that rose over the canopy about him like the breath of a wolf on a winter morning."

My dream job

I went to Eastern State Penitentiary today with our interns from work. Had a great time on the tour and plan to go back on my own to get more detailed information. The tour guides were very knowledgeable.

If I ever won a huge lottery jackpot (guess I should play it once in a while), I would love to do this for a living -- not necessarily at Eastern State, but as a historical guide in the Parks system. I think many of them are volunteers and those who are paid don't get much. I'd love to be a tour guide at Gettysburg or Antietem, or some of the other Civil War battlefields -- Petersburg, Franklin, Chancelorsville, The Wilderness (if stinkin' Wal-Mart doesn't take over The Wilderness batttlefield). Hosting walking tours of Philly or leading tours at Valley Forge could be fun, too. I'd probably enjoy doing the same thing at Fort Ticonderoga. The possibilities are endless.

Of course, I still need to make a living and need to live in this general vicinity due to family connections here and in NY. Heck, I already bore my friends and family with stupid little things that I know about history, or rant about people who think Winston Churchill was a fictional character, so if I had one of these jobs maybe I'd be less irritating to those around me. Then again, it could make me worse. :)

Got thinking about an old post

I've been a bad blogger lately, and here I am reposting something from a year ago. I guess this is a clip show. However, it's been on my mind again lately due some things I've seen and heard. A friend's niece (she was 16) recently killed herself because she could no longer deal with her anorexia. Today I've seen some very painful posts on a board I frequent -- people who have been very hurt by the way they have been treated simply because they are overweight.

I'm fat. I can say that without making it a judgment on my value as a person, just the way it is. I didn't always feel this way, though. I look back on my high school years when I was in fantastic shape and I thought I was fat because I wasn't girly. I was muscular from swimming and playing sports but I didn't have that nice, thin figure so many of the other girls had. Of course, now I look back and see how I really looked and it bothers me that so many high school kids are pressured to fit into a very specific form.

I've been putting off rejoining a fantastic health club with a beautiful pool that is near my home. I wonder if I'm putting it off because I'm afraid of becoming obsessed with working out and counting calories again. Well, I'm going to start slow by using my sister's pool while I'm visiting and then seeing how I'm doing. I hope to rejoing my pool when I get back.

Anyway, enough blathering. Here's the pertinent part of that long post, inpsired by last year's Summer Olympics:

Olympics and body image

...I wanted to post something about the Olympics and body image. I'm sure men go through this just like women do, but since I'm not a man I'm only going to go by my perspective.

As much as I absolutely love the Olympics and the athletic ability of the Olympians, I think it's important for us to realize what they go through to have those bodies -- mainly talking about the swimmers, as that was my sport. There seems to be a train of thought out there that all women who are 41 can be in the same shape as Dara Torres, or that younger women can look like some of the other swimmers. Don't get me wrong, Dara is AMAZING and this is NOT a knock on her in any way. However, most 41-year-olds have jobs. Dara's full-time job is swimming, and most women can't swim full-time.

I bring this up because of something that happened a few years ago, something I'd mostly forgotten about until I was watching the swimming again. A few years back, when I was on yet another diet trying to practically starve myself and swim my pounds away, I had a conversation with my older (and wiser) sister. I said I'd taped a picture of Olympic swimmer Amy VanDyken to my fridge because that's the body I wanted and thought I could achieve if I ate right and worked hard enough in the pool. Maureen is silent (on the phone) for a minute, then says, "So, your goal is to look like an Olympic gold-medal winner, and you think this is realistic?" Up until then, I hadn't looked at it that way and that really helped me realize how I was completely unrealistic with that goal. I was in my 30s, worked two jobs at the time, and didn't look like that at my peak performance when I was 18. But somehow I felt I could have Amy's body.

At that point, I could almost hear an audible "click" in my head when I realized how unrealistic I was being. Since then, I've slowly become more comfortable with my body and feel pretty good. I'm fat, yes, but I haven't eaten so well in years. I eat well, don't count calories or any of that stuff that leads me to become incredibly obsessed with food. I currently have different foods to choose from in the fridge -- yesterday I made some rice with edamame and chili made with lean ground turkey and white kidney beans. I have some fruit in there, veggies, chicken to cook, stuff like that. And yes, I had some Pillsbury crescent rolls and I have a little pint of ice cream in the fridge. So sue me, lol.

Church update

Well, after my last post about how much I liked that Unitarian church, I haven't been back. The next weekend I was dogsitting and she was having some issues and I really couldn't leave her alone for too long and it was about 45 minutes from the church. Last weekend my license plate was stolen off my car on Saturday as it sat at the local train station while I was at my needlepoint place all day in the city. So, I didn't think it was wise to drive around without a legal plate the next day.

Now, everything is back in order and I intend to be back this weekend.

I may have found a church I like

I think I may have found a church that I can actually attend and feel like I'm staying true to my personal beliefs. I've not been to a church (other than when I visit my parents) in over ten years because I felt that I had to sometimes go against my own conscience in order to feel like I belonged there. I've been a Presbyterian most of my life -- not exactly a restrictive Christian denomination, lol -- but I still felt like there was a lot of emphasis on having children and not necessarily accepting all people into the fold. I loved my Presbyterian church in Florida, where it was emphasized that our Communion was not just for members of Presbyterians but for anyone who believed in it. When I moved here in 1995 I tried a few churces, but they were full of either people much, much older than me or families -- nobody my age who was single or not married -- and I felt like an outsider.

So, I've been investigating Unitarianism lately and decided to check out the local church. I'm fortunate that it's only about 10-15 minutes away. The are a Welcoming Congregation, which means they openly accept people of various sexual orientations and other religions. This is important to me. I'm so sick of people claiming to be "good Christians" who seem to hate everyone who aren't exactly like them. I'm tired of feeling like I need to go against my own beliefs and what's in my heart in order to be part of something bigger. I like that the Unitarians are very involved in many social issues that are close to my heart and that we don't all have to have the exact same beliefs in order to be part of the mix.

I suppose that to many people this means I'm no longer a "true" Christian. Well, maybe I'm not. I've been questioning my spiritual beliefs quite a bit lately, to be honest. In the end, I will do what I think is best. I can't imagine that God wants me to hate everyone who thinks differently than I do.

And just to be clear...
I do know plenty of Christians who are good and very decent people, and don't mean to say all are hateful. I think I've come into contact with too many who are, but also many who are wonderful people. I just don't feel like any of the churches I've tried in the past are as inclusive as I tend to be in my own life, and that's what I need. This post turned into a bit more of a rant against hateful people than I intended.